On my way home this morning, I saw a long row of incense sticks stuck into the little mounds of ice. The row ended about a half a block because there wasn’t any more ice to support the sticks. I noticed the same thing going on across the street.

Stuff like that usually means someone is trying to pay respects to the recently deceased. The path of having incense sticks facilitates the lost spirit its way home or to reincarnation.

For whatever the reason, instead of remembering the days where my family ceremoniously paid respects to my dad on his passing, my mind reverted back to my cousin's wedding a few years back. Don't ask me HOW I made this sort of connection…

While I looked on the incense path, I realized how rare traditions are practiced today and probably will not survive in the next few generations. I guess the reason why I thought back to John's wedding was because it was such a cultural and traditional disaster. His wife, Jenny, is Christian. Now I have nothing against anyone’s religious beliefs, but I have a personal gripe when they know nothing of yours and have to rub something stupid in.

Jenny is a part of some cult-like Christian group preaching at local senior centers around the neighborhood which doesn't have a church of their own. They sing, they praise and they pray with shining glee.

On the other hand, my relatives dislike Jenny and her religious blathering. She constantly refutes our traditional customs because it's not her religious practice. Go and kiss my ass.

Okay, let's get this straight…there's a massive difference between religion and tradition. I've noticed that lots of Christians reject customs since it imposes on their religious beliefs. So, it's okay for them to celebrate Chinese New Year and ask for red envelopes, but it's not okay for them pay respects to our ancestors using incense. That's fine, skip the damn incense…but to have them harrumphed in front of your family’s shrine is a complete diss. They know better than to disrespect them in this repulsive manner.

Plus, they're not worshipping our gods. It's the dead people that are somehow connected in their lives. I can understand the whole incense bit, but sheesh - at least politely decline.

Mind you, these people are not ABC's and were brought up in all parts of Asia. Those born outside of China have a bit of an excuse especially when their parents risk losing cultural flair by uprooting themselves from the motherland. Unfortunately, too many people confuse Buddhism with Chinese traditions as the lines are somewhat blurred. But when you sit and observe the details, they're completely separate.

Going back to Jenny & John, their marriage was no different than that of a shotgun (redneck) wedding. How it happened is whole other blog, but John proposed to Jenny after she tried killing herself, literally, by playing in the traffic. How's that for a future novel?

So the date was set (in a mere 2 months) and the arrangements were made. Prior to any Chinese wedding, the families must convene to discuss their absurd and ridiculous conditions. Almost like union negotiations where all parties discuss for hours to contractually agree upon the terms. This, of course, nearly led to a cataclysmic fistfight between the parents. The bride's family demanded an enormous dowry and wedding provisions, but did not wish to meet many of the groom's requirements because the demands were 'anti-Christian'. Oh, HOW utterly convenient.

The groom's family didn’t request anything out of the ordinary. Unfortunately, the wedding gift exchange is the one event which brings out the ugly in everybody. This is far worse than the wedding itself because there's always one cheapskate parent who fooks it up royally…

Example: If the bride has an unmarried male sibling, the groom must provide a wedding gift either in the form or cash or clothing to provide a suitable outfit for the ceremony. This supposed generous act spreads good luck to unmarried individuals in hopes that they will be wedded the following year.

One of the MAJOR events on the wedding is the tea ceremony. Traditionally, the groom brings the bride to his home on the wedding day. She serves tea to his parents and they take a sip serving as recognition and acceptance of their newest family member. The elders will then provide her a wedding gift, usually jewelry, as evidence of their approval.

In our case, we have the tea ceremony at the stupid banquet hall. Nowadays, they love to conduct the tea ceremony in front of the guests, to boast and show off the family’s generosity (*barf*). It makes the couple miserable because there is no time to dance or even enjoy the wedding party. The newlyweds are stuck kneeling in front of the elders (basically anyone who's fricking related to you, older and married) to lovingly receive the so-called generous gifts of gold. Noticed I mentioned, “so-called”.

Back to my cousins, Jenny makes a bold and asinine declaration. She stated how she will NOT kneel down during the tea ceremony. Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…oh fook.

At this point, I can't begin to describe HOW furious my mother was. One, mommy is the head of the entire clan and does not take shit from anyone. Two, she may be only 4'9", but she can chew your ass out to oblivion. What she says, goes.

Okay, that being said, my mother slung a rebuttal right back at Jenny's family, right in the face: YOU CAN GO F-CK YOURSELVES. NO one disrespects me or devalues my family in any way. Who the fook wants to attend this monkey circus anyway. Go and stir up and rot in your own shit.

Classy, eh?

Next thing I knew, my relatives all jumped in my mother's bandwagon and dismissed the wedding. Since I'm related to the world's famous bunch of cheap assholes, they embraced the opportunity for potentially not having to shell out $$$. They all stated how repugnant Jenny's family was and how little respect they have for people..blah, blah, blah.

Indeed it got interesting. Jenny and her family later apologized to my mother and insisted that she attend the wedding. They later agreed to all of the groom's demands; however, the decorative wedding symbols, phoenix and dragon, must be concealed at the banquet hall.

Now how is the phoenix (bride) or the dragon (groom) representative of the Buddhist religion?! It's just one of those Chinesey thangs!

Whatever.

Of course, when she changed her outfits during the banquet, she wore the traditional Chinese wedding gown (aka kwah) with two mandarin ducks on it. Ducks, lotuses, dragons and phoenixes, all animals – what’s the difference??! WTF?!?!

After the air was cleared between rival families, we all decided to attend their Christian ceremony. John was the first member in our family to be married at a Christian hall, so we were excited to participate. We assumed there would be a little church wedding somewhere and someplace. Shee-it, little did we know that her Christian group held their sermons at a senior citizen center.

My mother uttered under her breath, "Aw crap, I'd rather stay home and watch TV. Dammit, let's go to the South Street Seaport and go shopping." Both my brother and I were very amused by all of this.

So…the entire Chen clan sat together and observed the wedding ceremony. It was highly unusual since everyone had their right arms outstretched to 'touch' or bless the couple with good spirits. They sang in Chinese, prayed, laughed and all the whatnot. The hysterical part? My family was RUDE and EMBARRASSING.

Yep, my uncles, aunts and mom couldn't shut the fook up during the entire ceremony - they were blabbing away LOUDLY. John's sister left early for a hair appointment, my two uncles went out for their nicotine fixes, and my cousin, Tina, was busy polishing her nails. My bro and I were laughing our asses off. Oh, talk about respect.

When the dreaded tea ceremony came later that evening, I felt so sorry for them. Not only did they kneel the entire time, no one offered them little mats to cushion their knees. My relatives DELIBERATELY took their sweet time sipping tea, fiddling with the contents in their bags and insisted that a picture be taken with the bride kneeling. I can tell you that I have a rather large family…

In my wedding, I didn't have to kneel because the platform was too small and the MC told me to skip kneeling. Our elders agreed and we got away with it. We didn't mind, but it just goes to show you what happens when families take on traditions for their own convenience.

What baffles me is how kneeling in front of your elders offends your religious belief? You want the $$$, the gowns, the banquet, and the entire shebang, how is it possible to do one without the other? We're not burning incense here!

Aiyah.