This would have been great during college -

http://www.whitesmoke.com/landing_flash/grammar.html?d=5&a=57&r=1456&fvar=300

I have never enjoyed traveling to Asia – be honest, can you actually sit on a 15-hour non-stop flight to Hong Kong w/o going into convulsions? Dammit, my ass still hurts.

Not me. I can’t even sit at the salon to get my highlights done for 3 hours, let alone be seated on the plane. Heck, as much as I love the UK, the 6-7 hour flight wracked my nerves.

And no, it’s nothing to do with crashing planes into tall buildings. I simply hate to sit still for more than an hour. Heck, even watching a movie poses some difficulty for me.

When I finally got on the plane, I was surprised to be seated adjacently to a newlywed couple oozing of sappiness. I noticed the girl being extremely thin (w/o appearing scrawny) and wondered how she could achieve such a feat. In all of my years, I never had a flat stomach and thanks to Corporate America, my ass spread wider than my shoulders. It turns out that she was an extremely picky vegetarian which is how she maintained her slender figure. At this point, I decided to resume my life as an omnivore since there’s no way in hell I would ever give up on Serrano ham. So what if I had a rather prominent gut and it hung over my low-riders? Kobe beef rocks!!!!

I arrived in HK with many, many hours to kill, five to be exact. Thankfully, there is an upscale mega-mall in the airport and I practically roamed into every single one of those stores. Trying to preoccupy myself, I feasted on authentic bowl of wonton noodle soup and the best iced coffee God has ever made.

Then I slowly made my way to the other end of the airport and located my gate. There are over 80 gates in this enormous airport. To get from Gate 1 to Gate 60, it is a good 30- minute walk (at moderate speed). So just imagine me dawdling at a snail’s pace because I have nothing to do. I wasn’t in any mood to read nor did I didn’t want to sit in the waiting area with a sore ass.

Thank god for Ipods.

I had to take a connecting flight to Fuzhou on crappy Eastern Airlines along with a bunch of loudmouths. Everyone was waiting for at least 4 hours for this flight and goodness, their form of bitching carried from the US to HK. Everyone was complaining about how hungry they were and how they couldn’t wait to eat on the plane. Gosh, it sounded just like the fasting assholes in my office waiting to do a routine physical exam on a busy Monday.

Translation: These folks were too cheap to buy airport food and opted for the free crap on Eastern Air. Yuck. Instead of exchanging a few USD for HKD to spend, they refused to spare a few renmibi they have (these natives go back and forth all of the time) to purchase a snack. Just so you know, you can use Chinese currency in HK but you can’t use HKD in China. Go figure.

Above all, Hong Kong is a foodie center of the world. Granted everything costs a lot more at the airport, but if you convert them to USD, it still comes out cheaper.

Ugh, I sat uncomfortably and waited. Because I was unfortunately seated next to the same bitching family I was standing behind in line at JFK, I groaned at the thought of even being near these people. However, a great opportunity of verbal bashing arose later on when another bitchin’ passenger criticized the family’s inability to manage their flight scheduling with so many young children in tow. I couldn’t help but to jump in for some good ol’ gang bashing. That’s the Fukienese way.

The idiotic woman kept reiterating how Qing Yeh’s wife was able to make the appropriate arrangements, but this stranger continued to diss her by saying how she wasn’t Qing Yeh’s wife and where was Mrs. Yeh now? Was she a travel agent (no, of course not, she’s a fricking opera singer!)? And if Qing Yeh’s wife could make the appropriate arrangements, how does it apply to her personally?

The woman refused to let up and kept tossing the name around like we ought to be impressed of her “prominent” association. Ironically, I actually did know who she was referring to because DR. Qing Yeh is actually located on the 8^th floor in my building. Small world, huh?

AND – we are fierce competitors. Dr. Yeh’s been in practicing longer and is infamously known for treating his Fukienese patients terribly. In fact, how else did Tina’s grandmother find us in the first place??

[Tina’s grandmother was being treated by Dr. Yeh and the poor woman had to put up with this asshole’s verbal abuse. The last time she was there, he yelled at her for “having putrid body odor” and demanded that she take a bath before seeing him in the future. Her grandmother cried and never went back there again. So…she ventured a few floors down and found an empty doctor’s office and has remained there ever since. And a side note: the woman does NOT smell…I’ve had patients who fared worse since they work in fish and meat markets!]

On a more positive note, if he had NOT yelled at Tina’s grandmother, she would never have found us nor would I have Tina working in my office today!

Whatever. Finally got on the damn plane and found my lunch repulsive. I gave all of it to a woman seated next to me. Within the hour, I was in Fuzhou.

I was amazed to see the airport look like an airport. It was clean, it had linoleum floors, and wowee, the bathrooms were actually labeled both in Chinese AND English.

I met my mother’s sister at the airport and it was about 36°C (96.8°F) with a slight breeze. I thought the weather wasn’t too bad and didn’t think it could get any worse.

Boy, was I WRONG.

It turns out that the airport had moved from Fuzhou to Chang Le. Oy. Imagine relocating JFK all the way to Staten Island.

Chang Le is actually one of the largest rural areas of the Fujian province and over the years, it has seen a massive growth in its economic development. Chang Le’s urbanization has grown tenfold and is somewhat regarded as a “city” (with surrounding farmlands) instead of the countryside. Nobody farms in Change Le anymore and a majority of the empty fields are now filled with sand. However, the city of Fuzhou is located in a valley surrounded by a mountainous range with revoltingly high pollution index.

On my ride to Fuzhou, I was truly flabbergasted. It had changed astronomically in 14 years – we’re talking PAVED roads, highways, bridges, street lights, and gazillion of cars on the streets. It reminded me heavily of HK during the 80’s with bright neon lights, large poster boards, and hordes of people swarming the streets at night. Now I can understand why my mom enjoys China so much.

People are extremely hip. No wonder mom told me you couldn’t give them hand-me-downs any longer – they were living an extremely modern lifestyle that even I couldn’t have fathomed. I always presumed China would NEVER change and their traditions would be passed on for generations to come. Instead, they now embrace this new world with open arms and eagerly to strive for more.

Heck, my aunt owns a Pentium I and knows how to play Zuma damn well. She’s 60 years old this year.

A lot of this cultural boom stems from having only one child in each family. They now see that the mini-Emperors and mini-Empresses must be in possession of the newest gadgets and clothing as well as the freedom to develop their so-called “creativity”. Like here, there is a competitive edge between families to outdo one another both materialistically and academically. To some extent, certain traditions are overlooked and discipline is loosely enforced.

My 90’s suits don’t fly by nobody no more. Ten or so years ago, mom brought back a ton of my old 80’s clothes and cheap Wet N’ Wild lipsticks to China, everybody fought to take a piece of it. Now? They want something from Prada, Sony, Gucci, and Estee Lauder. Don’t even THINK about giving them second hand stuff.

Of course, the main reason why China’s modernization had taken place so quickly was primarily due to the Hong Kong / China reunification in 1997. Mass production, trade imports & exports, and boom in the economy fueled this enormous growth. There are plenty of stores and things to buy that the word, “availability” has zoomed to a new high. Plus, nobody really comprehends what rations were, except for the folks in my parents’ generation or those who currently live in poverty.

Well, without a doubt, I hate my every ass found in my genealogy. I hate every fecking one of them.

Anyway, it turns out that my distant relatives are far better than the ones I grew up…ironic, huh?

So…off I go to China…to swap properties for mom. A few decades ago, mom and dad bought a large house for her siblings to live in. The original home she grew up in was downsized when the Communist government paved the roads into streets during the 70’s. As a result 4 families, not including my grandparents, were crammed into a 2 story home only suitable for a single family of 5.

So try stuffing 20+ folks in your living room apartment.

Mom comes to the rescue and buys them a big house enough for all of these assholes to live in. For a whopping ¥1,200 ($130 back then), mom got ‘em a house big enough for my cousins to have their own rooms. My grandparents decided to remain in their own house while everyone else occupy every goddamn room half of this former mansion. The home was originally owned by a wealthy magistrate who unfortunately, had to turn over his massive abode into a crappy tenement building when Mao took over.

The original owners lived quietly and were forced to share their ancestral home with my relatives. At the very least, my family paid for their living space as opposed to the other occupants who simply barged in.

[Sad note: The magistrate was stripped of his wealth, title and two of his elder sons were publicly executed for participating in the Nationalist Army. Every household had to give up their firstborn son for the war, so it wasn’t exactly a choice many people voluntarily made. In fact, my 2^nd uncle enlisted in the army posing as my eldest uncle because he wasn’t around when the guards came knocking down the doors. My 2^nd uncle revered his eldest brother and used to get into such mischief that my grandmother would whup them with splintered bamboo sticks. Fortunately, my 2^nd uncle survived the war and snuck away to Taiwan safely. I oughta blog about this story…]

Anyhoo, mum gave the power of attorney to her long-lost sister (another story to blog about) and my aunt was up to no good. The wench is bitter and angry over the fact mom didn’t split any proceeds of the sale of two apartments back 2005. It doesn’t matter if the titles are in our names (me and bro), but she collected rent for 10 years, therefore it qualifies as a legitimate owner in her freaking mind. Of course, she conveniently forgot how mum never quite asked for the bulk of the rent money or asked her to keep an accurate record accounting these transactions. Mom being mom, allowed her keep her more than half of what was collected AND the witch had the balls to ask for more.

That’s China for you.

They’re greedy and they’ll take ANYTHING they can get. And oh, they’re really subtle about asking for money. You’ll hear crap like, “HEY! I’ve got a son who’s going to college this September”, meanwhile their eldest son is 45 and never even graduated from junior high school.

See, the reason why they make a sport of bashing us jook sings (another term describing American-born Chinese – hollow bamboos – meaning we look Chinese, but don’t possess the ‘heart’ of being Chinese) is because we’re a bunch of doozies when it comes to deciphering their subliminal and cryptic messages. We’re just too simple-minded and clueless in taking advantage of every given opportunity coming our way.

So I’m stupid.

Whatever.

My mother never trained us to calculate each favor or request; instead, she preached in the highest regard to love our family members unconditionally. Um, okay, but they sure don’t seem to recite the same mantra. Now why is that?

Ugh. I hate school. Yes, I may have shipped my daughter away for an academic career to jump start her life when she becomes a so-called adult, but I purely loathe it. Nobody told me I literally had to go back to school myself! My parents never got involved nor were they proficient in English. Today, the educational materials forces the parent to be in their salad 24/7.

Man, I'm dreading it. I thought school was over when I graduated in college in 1993. Heck, I hated school so much that I refused to get an MBA.

Anyhoo, still working on the travel blog...maybe I'll post it in bits and pieces or something. I'm done cussing at my relatives just yet.

I know, I know, I know…

I was typing a huge whatnot of my China trip and guess what? My laptop died! Yessirree, it did.

Well, to be quite honest, I wasn’t too disappointed because I didn’t like the post much. Because I hadn’t written in a while, it sounded drab and dry – quite bitter, I must admit.

So…I’ll start over and blog my trip in snippets. That way I won’t lose it again!