Attack of the Weasel Words
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8514826/site/news
I received this email from Heather a few weeks and have been meaning to post this on my blog. I can't even begin to tell you how this revolutionizes business writing on emails. Not only do you hear senior management pull terms out of their buttholes, folks like me, feverishly jot down these important-sounding words so I can use them in the next round.
Here are the commonly used words you'll always find in my lovely corporate, verbose and CYA emails:
I still have the list of "Jim O'Neill's List of Buzz Words" which was originally tacked onto my cubicle wall. Jim was my former boss who was so damn eloquent and would occasionally overcompensate during meetings. You had to see the faces of our business partners whenever he spat out these terms - you could actually see the cogs turn and their faces contort while trying to decipher the first two paragraphs of his opening statement.
This is Jim's version of my role in the organization:
When it was my turn to give my unprepared presentation regarding my job function, it went:
I was straight-forward and direct, as a result, I solicited MORE questions about how my role affected the company since it seemed ulcer-ridden and interesting - mainly because I was able to call the shots. Due to Jim's vernacular snow job, no one understood specifically what he meant, so they couldn't ask him anything. But then again, Jimbo's no fool, I'm sure there's an excellent explanation why he coated his chicken more than once.
Now that I've been gone from Fido for over a year and a half...a lot of it is lost. I look back at some of the emails I've composed, as boring as they are, they're quite impressive! No wonder I stayed till 9PM every night!
I received this email from Heather a few weeks and have been meaning to post this on my blog. I can't even begin to tell you how this revolutionizes business writing on emails. Not only do you hear senior management pull terms out of their buttholes, folks like me, feverishly jot down these important-sounding words so I can use them in the next round.
Here are the commonly used words you'll always find in my lovely corporate, verbose and CYA emails:
- implement
- execute
- creative accounting
- notate
- input
- functionality
- feasibility
- support
- expectation
- solution/resolution
- workflow processes
- operational hiccups
- leverage current procedures
- enhancements
- jeopardize
- establish mainframe infrastruction
I still have the list of "Jim O'Neill's List of Buzz Words" which was originally tacked onto my cubicle wall. Jim was my former boss who was so damn eloquent and would occasionally overcompensate during meetings. You had to see the faces of our business partners whenever he spat out these terms - you could actually see the cogs turn and their faces contort while trying to decipher the first two paragraphs of his opening statement.
This is Jim's version of my role in the organization:
Hello, Good Morning all, I'm Jim O'Neill, Vice President of NFSC's Treasury Firm Funding. My group specifically manages billions of dollars in cash flow each day with meticulous budgeting and forecasting attempts to determine what our ultimate financing goal would be for the end of day. Our senior analyst, Ms. Mah, is our lead pilot, who will make strategic Firm decisions based on variables of other departmental inflows and outflows of cash and by working closely with those business partners from all areas of the Fidelity organization, who realize that their figures could very well influence our operational settlements...
When it was my turn to give my unprepared presentation regarding my job function, it went:
Each day I manage a cash flow anywhere from 3-7 billion dollars for the firm. [PANIC ATTACK] These funds originate from various business departments such as Mutual Funds, TAAC, Custody, um, Cashiering, to name a few. [WTF are they looking at me for? Oh god damnit...] Because the markets close at 4PM, a majority of settlements are finalized between the broker/dealer and NFS...
I was straight-forward and direct, as a result, I solicited MORE questions about how my role affected the company since it seemed ulcer-ridden and interesting - mainly because I was able to call the shots. Due to Jim's vernacular snow job, no one understood specifically what he meant, so they couldn't ask him anything. But then again, Jimbo's no fool, I'm sure there's an excellent explanation why he coated his chicken more than once.
Now that I've been gone from Fido for over a year and a half...a lot of it is lost. I look back at some of the emails I've composed, as boring as they are, they're quite impressive! No wonder I stayed till 9PM every night!
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In my new job, not only am I attacking and eliminating weasel speak where I find it and replacing it with plain English (as you've seen), but I'm also bringing a little bit of New York City to Scotland.
Specifically, my filthy f*****g mouth.
I was writing up my notes from a policy meeting in Edinburgh and I described another organisation's attitude, which is increasingly patronising and presumptuous to the point where they are risking their relationship with us, as "********".
Those notes - word and all - were circulated in and out of the office. They would have been circulated anyway. But for people used to reading bad minutes and tedious write-ups of the same old same old - let's just say I've made a lasting first impression.
To the point where this deteriorating relationship is now being discussed as an urgent issue amongst five counterpart organisations.
Nice girls get crap temp jobs and witchhunts from jealous managers.
And that's just utter ********.
Screw or be screwed. My turn.
Specifically, my filthy f*****g mouth.
I was writing up my notes from a policy meeting in Edinburgh and I described another organisation's attitude, which is increasingly patronising and presumptuous to the point where they are risking their relationship with us, as "********".
Those notes - word and all - were circulated in and out of the office. They would have been circulated anyway. But for people used to reading bad minutes and tedious write-ups of the same old same old - let's just say I've made a lasting first impression.
To the point where this deteriorating relationship is now being discussed as an urgent issue amongst five counterpart organisations.
Nice girls get crap temp jobs and witchhunts from jealous managers.
And that's just utter ********.
Screw or be screwed. My turn.
