Is it a Chinese Thing?
I got a phone call today from my high school buddy, Warren, and it made me wonder....
Why do so many people strongly believe that friendships must be equally reciprocated? Is this an attribute that only holds true amongst Chinese people or are there cases where this belief exists OUTSIDE of my ethnic group?
I know for a fact that my parents have this mindset where if someone gives you something, you MUST return them the favor or gift at an equal or greater value. So, growing up, this influence remained a large part of me on how I view my friendships. One thing, for sure, I have always remained loyal to my friends, even if they double-duped me. My naivete has always led me to trouble because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if the situation reeks, I cling on to the ball even when I know I shouldn't. Yeah, duh me.
But I got over this mentality when I reached college. I uprooted my chubby ass from Chinatown to New Rochelle, and voila, a whole new world for me to explore. I learned (the hard way) the differences between friends, acquaintances and annoyances. There were hierarchical levels of these personal relationships and congeniality would also be received differently within those tiers.
Now as a so-called grownup, I still run into a good number of folks who continue to put credence into this so-called 'mutual' equivalent exchange. The problem is, when the return isn't 100% or greater, the believer or 'friend' freaks out. They put their 110% and you couldn't return 90% because you weren't thoughtful enough. Hence, the blowout and probable dissolution of the entire relationship.
If I had to appraise every effort of my time and gifts to Ching, Jessica, Lisa, and everyone else, would I fall short of being gypped? Or did I fall short on my repayment to my friends when they drove me home every night for 6 months? Do I still owe interest from being able to see my idols backstage (do I? ;oD)? Like how can you measure friendship in that regard?
Isn't the valuable time spent together significant and the gifts are merely extras and not a given? Good friends remain in small populations than acquaintances, but great friends are found in rare and exclusive groups. Despite my many misses in life, I have been fortunately blessed with great hits in friendships. So I can be a bit verbose, blunt, and long-winded - y'all love me anyway.
So when I got off the phone with Warren tonight, I said, "You win some, but you lose a lot."
He couldn't fathom why.
Why do so many people strongly believe that friendships must be equally reciprocated? Is this an attribute that only holds true amongst Chinese people or are there cases where this belief exists OUTSIDE of my ethnic group?
I know for a fact that my parents have this mindset where if someone gives you something, you MUST return them the favor or gift at an equal or greater value. So, growing up, this influence remained a large part of me on how I view my friendships. One thing, for sure, I have always remained loyal to my friends, even if they double-duped me. My naivete has always led me to trouble because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if the situation reeks, I cling on to the ball even when I know I shouldn't. Yeah, duh me.
But I got over this mentality when I reached college. I uprooted my chubby ass from Chinatown to New Rochelle, and voila, a whole new world for me to explore. I learned (the hard way) the differences between friends, acquaintances and annoyances. There were hierarchical levels of these personal relationships and congeniality would also be received differently within those tiers.
Now as a so-called grownup, I still run into a good number of folks who continue to put credence into this so-called 'mutual' equivalent exchange. The problem is, when the return isn't 100% or greater, the believer or 'friend' freaks out. They put their 110% and you couldn't return 90% because you weren't thoughtful enough. Hence, the blowout and probable dissolution of the entire relationship.
If I had to appraise every effort of my time and gifts to Ching, Jessica, Lisa, and everyone else, would I fall short of being gypped? Or did I fall short on my repayment to my friends when they drove me home every night for 6 months? Do I still owe interest from being able to see my idols backstage (do I? ;oD)? Like how can you measure friendship in that regard?
Isn't the valuable time spent together significant and the gifts are merely extras and not a given? Good friends remain in small populations than acquaintances, but great friends are found in rare and exclusive groups. Despite my many misses in life, I have been fortunately blessed with great hits in friendships. So I can be a bit verbose, blunt, and long-winded - y'all love me anyway.
So when I got off the phone with Warren tonight, I said, "You win some, but you lose a lot."
He couldn't fathom why.
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I think it's cultural in your case. Or maybe even individual to those people. Real friendships have no insecurity underpinning them (but I need, but I want)
