In my constant battle to determine which role I should play, there are times where throwing in the towel would give me the highest satisfaction since the struggle appears to be futile and even never-ending.

Born in America but raised in a Chinese family, ABC's like myself fight to maintain the balance between our ethnic/cultural identities and the other "anonymous" lifestyles outside those four walls we call home. Assimilation has always been problematic because no matter which way you slice it or dice it, the stereotype always haunts us. Sure I can joke about it; in fact, I don’t get offended so easily. It’s the LEAST of my worries. But no matter what, there will always be a stigma based on my looks.

My parents did their best to raise us on their low wages and encouraged us to earn college degrees to become successful outside of the hellish world of sweatshops, laundromats, or restaurants. They hoped we wouldn’t need to suffer the physical hardships to make a living and to lead comfortable family lives.

Simple idea, right? Hell no, the way of thinking is far more convoluted. At times, they can be the biggest hypocrites with what they screech and preach. Because the Chinese have pessimism ingrained in their genes, they live and speak in opposites. ABC’s have an excruciating time dealing with this extremity as we have no friggen clue to expect. The underlying point gets lost simply because it is deeply embedded in a foreign tongue too farfetched for our level of comprehension. In other words, we’re too damn stupid to get the point.

For example, my mother would NEVER congratulate nor commend me for getting 3.9 GPA during my last semester at CNR. Instead, she would utter things like, “A-? What happened here?” or “Girls don’t need to do so well in school. You’ll be married off and your credentials will go to your husband” (Old China talking here). However, behind my back, she’ll boast her ass off to a bunch of people about what great daughter and student I am.

But I would never be in that secret audience. I would never hear of such praises because some unknown dark force would NEGATE the benefits. There is tremendous fear of how karma exacts its vengeance against you and your loved ones for “over”emphasizing and highlighting strengths. Showing that you have an ounce of self-confidence is deemed as being insolent and full of it.

To laud good behavior, believe it or not, the general assessment would be marked with “NEEDS IMPROVEMENT”. To illustrate, if you have a well-behaved child, then it is customary to say your kid’s a hellion, a brat, and incredibly disobedient. The problem with this? I grew up believing that my worth was nil. Nothing I did was ever enough or amounted to anything. Although everyone identified my strengths, I couldn’t see it for what’s it worth. However, all of these nay-sayings are well-tolerated and comprehensible to those who live and breathe authentic Chinese soil. Because their lifestyle greatly differ ours, women understand their place in that particular society.

Since I wasn’t culturally raised in my parents’ oppressed world, it's apparent how I would always miss the point. It would take many lessons, even years, before I finally grasped a level of understanding of this complex game. Heck, my brother’s 41 and he still hasn’t figured out the joke yet. He gave up a long time ago and decided to live around and outside of it.

Therefore, the older Chinese generation habitually lashes out at our generation for being too feeble-minded, too dull, and too spoiled to appreciate what has been supposedly sacrificed for us. ABC’s are perceived as foolish individuals living frivolously, disrespectful, and immature.

But they forget one thing. We live and breathe in this country, not in China (very egocentric country, I might add). We don’t need to master the same set of survival skills or conceit our elders thrived on, nor does our environmental upbringing require it. This country offers so much freedom and opportunities that there’s no need to deal with situations backhandedly; we can choose to confront our issues and resolve it. We’re allowed to get to the point without having to beat around the bush.

Another ironic point? The same Chinese elders have a fairly good understanding of how our society works but imposes their wayward beliefs upon us anyway. They even believe Americans are complete idiots for their humane acts of kindness. Favors are meant to be exploited, not to be considered as a gesture of goodwill or compassion. Remember? Everything taken must be given back.

Funny, although these thoughts have circled around my head for years, having this conversation with Ching meant more to me than it did previously. I guess because it hit home because I now have a testimony to substantiate my observations. During her 7 year absence, she made a break from her parents’ restaurant, acquired real-world work experience, and took back control of her own life. Now the playing field is levelled between her and I.

With more negatives than positives in our lives, we were so ill-prepared for the working world. The very methods & ideas our parents’ used to raise us spell disaster for us, especially in this cutthroat rat race. I see far too many Asians who don’t stand up for themselves, accept nothing, let their hard work go unnoticed, and gripe quietly in their respective corners of the cubicles. We're not supposed to question authority and assume quiet lives till we retire. Morbid fantasy, if you ask me.

And no, I don't need Amy Tan to confirm what I've struggled or articulate the issues I've dealt with. Even before she acclaimed her fame to the "Joy Luck Club", I was already writing term papers on the subject in my freshman year. My professors struck down my thesis because the subject matter was barely a whisper in the wind and was of no interest to anyone at the time. My only source of reference was Maxine Hong Kingston's "The Warrior Woman" which is an excellent read. Okay, she's a little bitter, but who wouldn't be? She was brutally honest and shooting straight about the topic. Amy Tan preferred the usage of fluffy terms to describe her bits of her turmoil in a series of novels while Maxine knocked it out in one book. Then again, timing is everything. Amy emerged at the most opportunistic time during the early 90's and took advantage of business ventures presented her.

So the debate goes, in a circle which may never be broken. Without our parents’ traditional ways, we would never know who we are, why we have to abide by certain customs, or learn a language other than English. Granted, maybe being completely “American” (or non-Chinese) is simple and less burdensome, but there’s still the war going on with stereotypes of being the model minority and having almond-shaped eyes.