I was on the phone with jolly ol' Ching and we was chatting up 'bout the past. Because she had to hop on a teleconference, I wrote her back the thoughts I didn't get convey -

In the ninth grade, Mrs. Chang, my idiotic English teacher, preferred the talents of a Jehovah witness over me.

Whatever. I didn’t care.

But I was irked by the fact she commented everything I wrote for my book report on Sybil. It was clear that the book was way outta my grade level, but I felt that I understood enough of the book to write a report. I mean after all, the poor girl had 17 personalities and was severely abused by a mom who was psychologically wacked out. I remember Mrs. Chang picking on me for stupid shit like, “What about the 17th personality? How come you didn’t go into detail about that?”

That got me pissed because the 17th personality was that of a young toddler/child. Sybil was rarely succumbed by her 17th personality but was noted and identified by her psychotherapist during their hypnosis sessions. The first 5 personalities took over her life, not the baby! I didn’t even go into details regarding personalities #8-16, let alone #17!!! Or was it 12 personalities? Whatever, it was over 20 years ago.

Grrr…and she furthered her stupid comments about how it was possible for one identity to overpower others. Well…why doesn’t SHE read the damn book?

She wouldn’t acknowledge my attempt to be challenged and to try something outside of Judy Blume’s world, so she just poo-poo’ed me. Fine. She recommended that I BORROW a book from the school library. Do you remember our beloved, inadequate library at IS 131??? Borrow something that’s within our grade level and that I can FULLY understand and write about.

I was pissed. Pissed, pissed, pissed.

So I browsed around each shelf because I had no choice. I was trying to find Sybil and rub it back into her face, but the stupid library had more books on how to use the card catalog than anything else. Nevertheless, I perused and something very morbid caught my eye.

Very, very morbid.

A smile formed on my face because it was the perfect book to throw back at the teacher.

“THIRTEEN WAYS TO DISPOSE OF A BODY”

No kidding, there really was such a book. Navy blue cover, white letters and it hadn’t been borrowed by anyone in the school since 1977. I never noticed the look on the librarian’s face, but I know that I started to read Chapter 1 in front of Ms. Chang. Because of my so-called Sybil fiasco, she had to approve of the books we were reading for future book reports.

I knew she was appalled, but she didn’t want to make a scene. I was reading each line with a sneer on my face because she probably thought I was well on my way to being a serial killer or something. All of the kids thought I was being funny (really, I was) and I kept giving Ms. Chang wide-eyed innocent looks throughout the week.

All of the sudden, she decided we weren’t doing any more book reports and the class ought to read Paul Zindel’s, “Pardon Me, You’re Stepping on My Eyeball.” A stupid story about teenage angst and their crazy thoughts.

So I approached Ms. Chang and asked why…since I had already read half of the book. In truth, I didn’t even get past the first chapter because the book was so boring and horribly written by some geek. Yeah, it taught you how to dispose of a body in Chapter 1 with the use of farm machinery. Big deal. I think I watched enough of those Freddy Krueger and Friday the 13th movies to get an idea. I pointed out that I borrowed this book under HER suggestion and was well on my way to doing yet another book report.

She told me to forget about it and return the book. Seriously, after I returned the book to the library, it never went back on the shelf. Gee, I wonder why??

A few months later, she decides we’re going to do book reports again. Guess what I decided to do?

A story about an English teacher who got kidnapped, tied up and beaten by a bunch a dumb high school kids. Because of the stress, he dies of a cardiac arrest and now the kids are debating how they will dispose of the body. Sounds like those typical teen horror movies, huh? And yes, I found the book at the juvenile section of my local library and she approved of it. Seeing that it was only 120 pages and it appeared to be juvie novel…she was okay until I submitted my report. Got an 85 with no comments. I wanted a 95, but hey, it was fun while it lasted!!

Evil me,

Linda

Now, here's the kicker...

Shortly after I sent the email, my curiosity had gotten the best of me and I started to look up these books on Amazon, both name and author.

1 - "Sybil" by Flora Rheta Schreiber (1973)

2 - "13 Ways to Dispose of a Body" by Basil Davenport (1966) [WTF? Basil? What were his parents thinking!?!?]

3 - "Pardon Me You're Stepping on My Eyeball!" by Paul Zindel (1976)

4 - "Killing Mr. Griffin" by Lois Duncan (1986)

AND...Ching actually READ all of these books. Remarkably, we didn't share any of these titles or any literary opinions because we had gone our separate ways during junior high school - she had moved to the boondocks of NJ and I stayed behind in my ghetto crowd.

For her chemistry assignment, she had to borrow the very same book and read up on how to boil out the remains of the subject matter for dissection or something of that nature. OY. This is probably the one time I am grateful that our school received insufficient funding and couldn't even come up with such elaborate science lab experiments. She also read Sybil out of curiosity and re-read it for her Psych curriculum.

As far as the teen novels go, I believed she had to read it for class because Ching's not one for fiction. In fact, she'd rather read the classics for fun than to read nonsense fiction and romance. She hated Zindel and his retarded writing...although Lois Duncan was applauded for other works like, "Down a Dark Hall" and god knows what else I read at that age. When I originally crafted this email, I couldn't get the images of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Freddy Prinze Jr., Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar out of my head. Little did I know that Ms. Duncan, who originally introduced me to the world of terror and supernatural at 14, was also the author of the botched film. I stand corrected, Mr. Griffin didn't die, but survived the ordeal and decided the turn the tables around the kids. It's obvious that I've watched one too many SciFi Channel movies because I know those kids hacked away at the bastard and he came back for them in bits and pieces. Oh joy!

Yeah, I know, I don't blog...I'll see if I can manage something this year!