So…whilst we were running around in circles, screaming at Cro-Magnon patients, and doing a ton of things at once, we had an office “nanny” to do the dumbest crap on the face of the earth. As useless as she was, she was only good for 25% of the stuff I had no time for. At least there was someone to change the exam table paper, grab lunches, centrifuge blood samples or partially sweep the floor. We thought, maybe, just maybe, we could get someone to do the cleaning and help out with odd tasks.

We thought wrong.

Ping was lazy as shit. A pitifully poor performer, she couldn’t help talking back at us to defend every screwup (there are times when an apology or keeping her lips sealed would rectify the situation). I wasn’t upset with her inability to perform adequately, it was that cursed mouth of hers. So much so, especially during stressful days, you would find me barking at her like Cujo on a rabid rampage.

In the entire scheme of things, she wasn’t THAT god-awful (Melinda was far worse). On occasion, she’d be the highlight of our discussions as she was one heckuva goofy character. Heck, even mum condemned me for over-exaggerating and fabricating stories to strike up a conversation…mum went as far as calling me a liar!

More often than not, I caught Ping exercising in the back room. She’d have her arms outstretched and legs extended as though she was doing imaginary splits. Just imagine, a 45+ Chinese woman with a spastic attitude attempting some groovy dance moves. YUCK!

It was hysterical. Funny, she wasn’t even embarrassed whenever I walked in on her doing Chinese Pilates. In fact, she had a habit of exercising and dancing around Rich and Tinny. She knew I’d take her head off if I caught her pirouetting by the exam table.

She danced and sang aloud whenever she was sweeping or mopping the floor. Pretending that the broomstick was her dancing partner, she’d spin into little circles in the waiting area. Oh man. Rich was aghast to see her behaving this way. Heck, I even suggested that we slip some Zoloft into her water bottle and to see if the drug could perform miracles on her.

Because her crude mannerisms, she would sweep right over my feet, physically butt Tinny aside when mopping the floor, and shove Rich out-of-the-way when stocking up rolls of exam table paper. Based on her claim that she was phlebotomist in China, she literally stabbed patients when drawing blood. I couldn’t trust her with our administrative tasks, so she had the lightest workload - the bubblebrain knew it too. With time against me, I was unable to delegate duties while she resorted to simple tasks like cleaning and throwing out the trash.

Unfortunately, she had bragged to her posse that she was the ‘head nurse’ in our office. No fricking wonder why she refused to clean the office whenever I asked her. She didn’t want to be perceived as some maid, but her reluctance had me tearing her new assholes each day. Being overwhelmed, I handle stupidity in the only way I knew how – by spewing and spitting verbal garbage in massive quantities.

After my incessant complaining to Rich, he finally dragged her ass into the exam room because she could never change the paper or stock up the lab materials when needed. As the days went by, he started to complain to me about her unprofessional demeanor. Every time he was counseling patients regarding their condition, she’d be in the background agreeing or disagreeing by vigorously nodding or shaking her head. Instead of refilling the sundry jars with tongue depressors, she would whirl and twirl around the phlebotomy chair as well as fixing her hair in the mirror. For example, when Rich advised his patients to increase their intake of calcium, she’d advised them to eat more spinach.

The twirling made him dizzy with anger and the interjections drove him nuts.

We basically counted the days on the calendar for Tina’s arrival. You simply have no idea how erratic this individual is.

Plus, she’d call out on Mondays…our BUSIEST and CRAZIEST days, which is a no-no. Rich would leave early on Fridays catching up on some rest and she’d leave as well. Three times I had to drag her ass back to finish cleaning and point out her lousy effort.

As wacky and inept as she was, we continued to tolerate her stupidity. However, she did the one thing that branded her on our permanent shit list…excessively wasting paper towels and overindulging on the spring water.

Okay, let me dish it to you straight: I am not a cheapskate. I can be pretty frugal at times, but I will not skimp out necessary supplies. Ping was practically going through one entire roll a day.

Now, if she was vigorously cleaning my office from top to bottom, then it would be fine. Of course, this wasn’t the case. Her idea of cleaning was to completely saturate the paper towel with water and wipe. The little towel ball couldn’t clean anything and she’d leave huge water marks on the surface. Mind you, I had already showed her how to clean our office and firmly established what my expectations were. She simply blew me off and went about her way of doing utter bullshit.

Furthermore, she’d washed her hands a thousand times a day. And no, she wasn’t performing surgery or thoroughly cleaning her hands with soap. She’d run them through the water after each individual task and dry her hands off. Technically, her hands aren’t really clean.

With us reprimanding her excessive use appeared to be fanatically absurd…we look like a bunch of schmucks for bitching about it. From the outside, it would seem as though we were cheap assholes who couldn’t spare a paper towel to a poor middle-aged woman who ‘tried her veddy best” to “please us”.

And on top of this, the supply of bottled water was disappearing FAST. Because Tinny and I were on the move non-stop, we didn’t have the chance to drink any of the water stored in the fridge. After one week, I noticed all of the bottles were gone and bitched to Richard for being an inconsiderate hog. Irritated by my finger-pointing, he claimed how he didn’t even have the time of day to drink and assumed we were both guzzling the precious water.

!?!?!?

Turns out that she was inhaling 2-3 bottles per day which explained why she occupied the bathroom so frequently. We always wondered why she spent so much time in the storeroom and again, we’ve resolved the mystery regarding the disappearance of the paper towels. Aiyah…

So…all we got are a few laughs, many headaches, and vindication against those nasty patients when Ping drew their blood.

Like I said, I’m repaying this lifetime with the amount of idiocy from people.

Okay, because I haven’t quite blogged, crafted, or have done anything creative, my brain gradually shifted from left to right. What this means psychologically (or is physiological?) is that I have been predominantly using my logical and scientific thinking for the past few months.

And it shows.

I’ve been trying to find methods to enhance overall productivity and efficiency in our workflow, so the left side of my brain kicks in full gear. When I was in Fido, I was told how most people have a difficulty alternating between the two sides of the brain and the left side being the one more difficult to access. Also, if there is an inclination to use a particular side of the brain, it influences your overall thought process and idea generation.

After being in Fido for over 10 years, I’m positive that my left side, the creative one, was underused. During my “hiatus”, I indulged on all of these crafting projects, blogging and interior design, ixnaying my dependency towards my conclusive thought process. Yes folks, it was a deliberate attempt.

As a result, I’ve even noticed the change in my writing - no longer am I factual or penning thoughts point by point. Everything flows in a verbose flowery manner along with my signature sarcasm added.

Well, I forced Rich to take 3 days off from the office. Enough is enough. I was in a dire need of a mental break.

So…I had some time to blog last night and whatdya I get?

Flat, boring, bulleted writing. Ugh. Reel me back, Batman!

I couldn’t post it. I tried to revise the content last night and the improvement was virtually nil. Last night’s writing was reminiscent to my previous emails regarding bookkeeping issues with mutual fund wires were being processed on a same day versus next day redemptions. Mighty dry, I dare say.

Time to get other side of my brain jolted!!!

Since firing those two despicable imps, the office has seen way too many changes in such a short period of time. Since the day I’ve taken over, we’ve been busting our humps non-stop. I’m talking constant shuffling of paper, a whirlwind of attitudes, and just plain ol’ craziness.

Tinny and I were trying with all of our might to keep ahead of the game which proved to be a monumental task. Understaffed and overwhelmed, the demands were high and the stress levels had gone through the roof. I was ready to puke. There were times when patients spat at us and we were too exhausted to defend ourselves. Ignoring them made them even MORE furious.

Usually around the end of the month, things get a little calmer and we’d utilize the downtime to complete necessary administrative tasks and any prep work for the next flurry of intense activity for the next month. But the opportunity never came. Since the day Tinny and I walked into the office, we’ve been busting our humps non-stop.

After returning from our cruise holiday, the office went through over 420 people during the last 2 weeks of April. Because of the mild winter here, the onset of the allergy season created a mass influx of sufferers waiting over 3 hours to see the doctor. The idea alone was almost unfathomable. Back in 2000, I don’t believe he was able to see 400 in an entire YEAR.

But as soon as Tina walked in, miraculously, the craziness died down. It got up to the point where we weren’t even sure what to do with the extra time. It was astounding. Even though 50+ patients had been seen in a single day, they’re not all barging through the floodgates at the same time. That alone, made a phenomenal difference in our workflow.

My only guess is that extra work we whipped these people to get their asses in gear finally paid off. Previously, it was a first come and first served deal. Also, we didn’t make the mistake of overbooking and lecturing the patients how they don’t run the show. Although those little imbeciles didn’t allow anyone to run their show, they let people walk on them because they didn’t have the balls to fight back when someone balked at them.

So far, that’s the good news. Let’s see how the summer goes.

I got rid of Ping. She was driving me absolutely batshit at the office.

We got a new girl in for the summer, Tina, who’s an adorable spitfire and all of the patients love her to death. She's great at busting chops at dopey people as well.

I get to hide in the back office once again.

I get to sleep again.

I get to wake up later.

I get to catch up on my overdue tasks once again.

Mikayla will be graduating in one month.

Mum can not escape of the hereditary evils ingrained in her genes. She’s gotta see a bunch of specialists, load up on them pills, and watch what she eats at the tender age of 70.

Two of my deformed Jellybean fish died.

I've converted Tinny into a grumpy and insensitive human being. Extra work for the patients ain't worth it.

The two largest Jellybean fish are breeding...again.

Finally cleaned the mildew off the bathroom tile.

Who would've thunk I'd be THAT busy?

Catching up on sleep...

WAHOOO!

Now I can respond to my emails, blog, clean up the house, pay the bills on time, and sleep!

More to come...

Can't do anything. Been trying to catch up on sleep and bills.

Ugh. Dunno how long I'm gonna be able to handle extreme irritability and stupidity in this workplace.

bad, bad, bad mood today.

Mikayla's homework assignment:

HOMEWORK - FRIDAY, APRIL 28, 2006

• Coming to Faith: Do the "What Is It?" game. Can you guess the answer? Write and draw pictures of them in your red notebook. Number them 1, 2, and 3.
• Next week will be the ITBS testing form May 1st-4th. Please come to school on time and attendance is mandatory. Remember to sleep and eat well and dress comfortably.

I take it that no one's taking anything in class seriously anymore? Sleep and eat well? What the???

...as AJ would say.

Yes, I have come to a sad conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I will always have ONE wacko/idiot/dimwit employed in my office. I need to come to terms that the world is plagued with stupid people and the stories will only get better.

To recap:

There was Grace Sr., the whack job who wanted to mooch off of me. Now that she was awarded with a settlement claim against NYU Downtown for her grievances and pain, she's out to prove her abilities in a more 'wholesome' manner. Yeah, right, whatever the hell that means. This woman was nowhere near her namesake.

Then we had Grace Jr., the Jehovah's Witness. I don't have anything against anyone's religious beliefs (maybe if you're in a cult or Falun Gong - you have got to see some of the wacky stuff they've done...) but I do have issues if you let it overcome your ability to work. Grace took everything literally for word and I had to go the extra mile of coaching her. Instead of telling the caller that the doctor is "unavailable" - because there are those times when you just don't want to be disturbed or talk on the phone - she refused to relay the information and shove the phone up Richard's nose. According to her beliefs, she wasn't allowed to fib. Beautiful. Erm, why do we have receptionists for?

Then came Melinda. OMFG...her irritating behavior was synonymous to buzzing horsefly. Did I ever tell how it makes my skin crawl whenever I'm stuck in a room with a fat, juicy fly? The sound is god-awful! I've even smacked her in the knees a few times because she just couldn't shut the fook up. Incompetent was her middle name.

Then the other two brats were involved with the office "boxer rebellion". If I remember history correctly, it was squashed when western forces brought in arms. Ahhh, Linda's reclamation.

So, to catch up with the day-to-day grind and some of the menial tasks, Rich asked a former babysitter to come in and assist us with miscellaneous work. A few weeks ago, she had approached him for a job and hoped he'd take her in as some medical assistant. According to Ping, she was a phlebotomist in China.

Oh gawd. She's thrown my office into a crazy spin in the past few weeks. I've even screamed at her a few times already. It takes a lot to have me scream a staff member in the office. I dare not to embarrass them in front of the patients, pharmaceutical reps, or even Tinny. But this one's a real riot.

Having an easy life in China, Ping can't pull her weight in our office. Everything she does for me, damages something. She lacks the thoroughness, the deftness, or even the eagerness to work. All she wants to do is take my kid out to the park and play with her.

It's just too easy. I can't even have her rubber stamp insurance forms because they'll either appear upside down or sideways. She can't even do a task w/o talking back at me. As incompetent as she is, she's good for little things and stupid shit no one has time for. Ultimately, I find it absurd for me to hound her to clean the office. Cleaning is second to the lowest level of the menial jobs and this one can't even do it right. Whenever she talks back at me, I begin a tirade in a broken Chinese where the patients see me as some crazed bi-otch.

Why do I get so worked when she screws up? Simple. She visited my mum a few weeks ago, thanking her for the employment opportunity. However, she had the NERVE to say that the job was SO SIMPLE that an elderly woman like mum (she's 70), could wing it.

#@$!$#@%!%$#%@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mum could do FAR better. The statement, to me, is SUCH an insult. She can't even get me a cup of Iced Coffee at the local Chinese bakery w/o screwing it up.

So...after my long slumber into tomorrow, I will blog about some of the zany mishaps. Some good, some hysterical.

Plagued by stupid people...I am now repaying my karmic debt in this lifetime.

I'm really, really, really tired.

It's allergy season and it's an awful one. Warm winter, early spring. Ultra high pollen and dust count.

The office went through over 400+ patients in 2 weeks. Average waiting time was 2.5 hours and got into screaming pissing matches with Neanderthals every day.

I'm ready to barf.